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Sleep

When you’re stripped away of all you thought you knew

The storm rages and grows inside of you
The fibers you grasp shatter on the floor 
Til there’s nothing left worth fighting for 

You have pleaded and cried and exhausted your words
There’s nothing the one listening hasn’t already heard 
But your heart keeps on sinking 
and it falls beneath the ground
Though you’re safe you’re so sad when there’s no one around 
And loneliness grows and festers and spews 
But you reach a point on the island no one can reach you 

Content now to hide 
For the damage is done
And yes, you know you’re not the only one 

But no one really sees the pain that’s so great
And who knows if there’s peace beyond heavens gates
Or if gates exist as only fuel for the living to reach into their pockets and keep up with the giving
But give as you may and hurt as you must
Your soul has been hardened, yourself you don’t trust.

Slice with the blade or slip under the cover, or drink til you find darkness, or lie with your lover 
Moments of numb become the highlight of time
As you flirt with the devil and with demons you dine
For there’s just no escaping the trap and the hold
It’s around your neck, tight,
You’re bleeding and cold.

Settling in with each blink 
As your soul plunges deep 
Your breaths starts to slow
And you finally find sleep

10 Hours A Whore

I close my eyes and his face haunts me,

His aroma fills the room,

I’m stretched beneath his full control 

Helpless, alone and doomed


My body shudders when I feel his skin

My stomach burns like fire,

My fear, my panic, my helplessness

Seem to only fuel his desire


His hand grasps my neck and pushes down

His tie around my throat

Then jerks it back and fastens tight 

If I move I feel it choke


‘Fucking whore’ he cries and rips into me

Destroying every part,

His climax unfolds and I beg him to be done

But for him it’s just a start


He drags me by my hair 

into his shower made of blue

When he forces me on my knees

I know there’s nothing he won’t make me do


Tears stream down my face 

When he explodes I close my eyes,

He throws me to the ground 

then forces wide my thighs 


His toe and then a bottle 

whatever he can find

To shove inside relentlessly 

then forcing me to grind


And once he’s had his fill 

He kicks me, lying on the tile 

The freezing water tries to numb 

But I’ve been that way a while


He threatens: ‘don’t bother crying out, 

For there’s no one to hear’

The room is spinning, I want to run 

But I’m paralyzed by fear. 


It seems this night will never end 

I’ve lost all hope and power

I catch a glimpse of the time 

And it’s only been an hour.


He’s clearly outlined his path for me

And destroys me nine hours more

There’s nothing left of the girl I was

He’s made me to his whore


Now when I’m alone and open my eyes

Reality still I see

That though he’s not right here right now

He still very much owns me


Not sure I’ll ever breathe again

Clean air of hope and love,

And I don’t know who I’ll become

He’s stolen all I was 


This terror in the night 

Never fades away

And when I wake, reach for a mask

To hide the pain each day.


If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, don’t be ashamed to get help fast. It is NOT your fault.

  • Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline, 24/7,  to be connected with someone near your area code:  1.800.656.HOPE 





Questions

When there are more questions than answers
and the page is hard to turn
and I scream up to the sky
For peace is what I yearn

I ask God where He’s been
And breathe in the cold night air
But stillness mourns rejection
And I see He’s still not there

Alone abandoned and bruised
With wounds too gaping to heal
Beliefs have all been shattered
I no longer decipher what’s real

If ever one desperate and longing
For mercy and grace and a way
Lifting my hands and my voice
I cry out another day

Until the crying stops
And the weeping is no more
I’m exhausted and tired of fighting
And the devil just laughs at the door

Walking into the darkness
With no one holding my hand
I have not hope in a savior
And certainly not in a man

It’s hard to believe that you’re lovable
When all around and inside is destroyed
A pawn that is moved on his table
I’m nothing to Him but a toy

In anger I fear His wrath
I’m scared to admit what I feel
Afraid he may send more destruction
Leaving more wounds to heal

Shaking alone in the silence
With no way to turn it around
Gasping for air as I reach
But left here waiting to drown.

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Battle

Pain has a way of creeping in
at your weakest, most vulnerable moments,
When images are loud and voices are bright
and your mind is gripped by torment

You’ve struggled for peace, you’ve reached out for calm
and answers you’ve fervently sought
But answers don’t come and questions just grow
and your left suffocated by thought

Held captive by someone else’s hope,
in mourning for all that you’ve lost
Futile attempts to brush yourself off
to the garbage again you are tossed

Steps that are taken seem to give another day,
you’re alive although why you’re not certain,
Your heart only aches, no medicinal relief
every other inch of you only keeps hurting.

The tick of the clock reminds you of time
slowly rushing by,
To burdened to move you lie down in vain
wondering when you will die

Does God have a role? What part does He play?
and is this suffering part of His plan?
Then question I must and fear and I tremor
at the wrath He’ll extend with His hand

Because ‘good girls,’ you see, just do as their told,
keep quiet and no one gives trouble,
Don’t mess up your bow and pull down your dress
stay perfect inside of his bubble.

When power is stripped and innocence lost,
the wounding at times can’t be healed
So she closes her heart, desperate to hide
Fearing too many secrets revealed

As the days start to linger, what lies ahead frightens
and mostly she sees only fear,
Possessed by another who shall not release, giving power to demons with tears

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Giving Up

Cold and dark
and smells of powder
Not sure these damn voices
could be any louder 

 In the silence alone
I wait and I hide
None of you could know
how this aches inside 

Striving for years,
surviving at best
Unable to synch
my life with the rest

Peace is not found
I must create it myself
Yet assistance is offered
For those in poor health 

 The demons get loud
as they scream out their carol  Beckoning me
to look down the barrel 

 Terrified at the thought
and curious the same
They’d never understand
It would all be in vain 

Expected to suffer
barely breathing no sleep
Despised by the ones
Who my secrets do keep 

Wait for the moment
when relationships rotten
So the pain of a loss
Can soon be forgotten 

 Not what I had hoped for
Not what I had planned
But escape now I must
From my torturer’s hand 

 I know that you hope
And think there’s a way
But I’m scared that there’s not
And I’m running away 

 I hang on to your words
As I try to believe
Always wondering when
You’ll get up and leave 

 I wish that I saw
I wish I could see
Something different than pain
Someone different than me

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What Christians Shouldn’t Say

Some well meaning ‘Christians’ should really watch their words and what they promise in the name of Jesus. “In His time…” “He will bring the right partner to you…” “You’ll get to be a mom…” “It’s all a part of His plan…” “God had a reason for letting this happen…” Well forget that! Unless you’re Jesus himself, who gives you the right to speak what you have no idea may or may not happen?

Some won’t get married, some won’t have kids and it hurts… BAD to long for either and not have the unquenchable desire filled… so stop trying to soothe an ache with promises you can’t fulfill.

Some are abused, some chronically sick, some are raped… and if God is a god who “had a plan for why God let that happen to you…” then that’s not a God I have any interest in following.

Don’t tell me that it’s ‘HIS’ plan for nightmares and trauma to grip a person around the neck or drive them off a bridge or to hang, shoot or cut themselves. He may figure out a way to use those things, but if ‘He’ is up there planning and orchestrating these things, then your Christianity is one sick and twisted religion.

I don’t even know what I believe anymore, and I often feel like I signed up for the wrong elective… but I do know I am not interested in platitudes or empty words giving false hope to a dying world in an effort to ease pain by dismissing it.

So there… that’s a rant.

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