My Most Vulnerable Blog

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What you see on Facebook is never fully what it seems. You see smiles and adventures, I see IV tubes and needles… but it’s time to stop hiding. 

This past fall I was in the hospital and doctors couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. They diagnosed everything from Lyme disease, did a spinal tap and blood tests even showed a recent presence do mono… After several weeks of severe bleeding, my OBGYN did an ultrasound and on December 16, I had emergency surgery to remove a softball sized cyst from my left-ovary. It was malignant. 

May 1st, I had surgery to remove my left ovary and tube and was in the hospital for a week as part of the remaining treatment. We were hopeful. Since May 1, I’ve not been able to keep down solid foods and even liquids have been difficult, often less than 25 ounces in a day. My doctor has recommended 3-6 cycles of chemo, however right now I am malnourished and remain dehydrated. 

After several rounds to the ER and offices for fluids and IV medications, he sent me for a PICC line this past Thursday, and started TPN (nutrition) infusions. There were complications with the first two infusions but last night after the nurse came to the house and I spent the night back in the ER, hopefully we have that part figured out and remedied. I started the second infusion myself tonight and so far it’s been uneventful (fingers crossed). My priests and a couple close friends have really absorbed the brunt of my venting anger and hopelessness and somehow keep managing to hang on to hope for me.

I have idea how long I’ll be on these infusions from home, after the initial 2 cycles (each cycle is 7 days, 14 hours each day), but my body is weak so at least until I can stay hydrated on my own. 

Many of you know, I put my house on the market and one of the big reasons was not knowing how long I would be out for recovery. I never expected to still be missing work. I’m only able to see clients about one day a week now and often am throwing up between sessions. It appears to be a long road ahead and I’m scared. I’m scared physically and financially. With it just being Ethan and me, I’m running out of options to make life work and have sold about all I can, except the house which I appreciate prayer and good vibes for to go fast! I’m going under financially, and physically unable to do any more.

Trying to stay open… when I really want to run and hide… as a single mom, I don’t he the luxury of hiding for long. :/


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