I Hate What I See

Standing here, naked,
the mask doesn’t work,
I look at this body,
the wounds that still hurt.

I hate what I see,
it’s not even human,
my abdomen and chest,
peppered, 
rapid fire, the surgeons’ needles left their marks,

Ruined,
Damaged,
Defective-
those words I used to describe my insides,
now face off in the mirror.

A badass- not really.

Here without armor, I’m nothing.
Wretched,
And if that’s not enough,
I run my fingers trough my hair,
over and over the pile grows,
as it falls, not strand my strand,
but bundles filling my hand.

I CAN’T FACE THIS!
I CAN’T, I WON’T!
Don’t fucking tell me it’ll be ok,
What I see, you DON’T!

More of me gone,
cut out,
fell out,
robbed without my choosing,
stripped away,
broken.

I don’t feel human, 
much less like a woman. 
Only an object,
a pin cushion,
voodoo doll,
a target.

I didn’t choose these ‘shoes,’
and I’m tired of wearing them!
How much more will He destroy,
have I not paid for my sin?
Please give me an answer,
I can’t look for a sign,
Can’t see the next step,
demons rage behind.

As I look in this mirror
want to tear it out the wall,
through this pain tonight,
to my bed I crawl,
the burning reminder,
healing isn’t here,
I’m trying to breathe,
can’t bear the tears.

It’s too much to carry,
so please don’t try,
and no more questions,
I don’t want to cry,
as you play in the night,
I just want to hide,
not sure what’s more repulsive,
my out or insides.

My feelings recoil,
find a smile for tomorrow,
no one wants to hear,
more bad news and sorrow,
so onward we march,
a good little solider,
emotions grow numb,
my heart getting colder.

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