I Hate What I See

Standing here, naked,
the mask doesn’t work,
I look at this body,
the wounds that still hurt.

I hate what I see,
it’s not even human,
my abdomen and chest,
rapid fire, the surgeons’ needles left their marks,

those words I used to describe my insides,
now face off in the mirror.

A badass- not really.

Here without armor, I’m nothing.
And if that’s not enough,
I run my fingers trough my hair,
over and over the pile grows,
as it falls, not strand my strand,
but bundles filling my hand.

Don’t fucking tell me it’ll be ok,
What I see, you DON’T!

More of me gone,
cut out,
fell out,
robbed without my choosing,
stripped away,

I don’t feel human, 
much less like a woman. 
Only an object,
a pin cushion,
voodoo doll,
a target.

I didn’t choose these ‘shoes,’
and I’m tired of wearing them!
How much more will He destroy,
have I not paid for my sin?
Please give me an answer,
I can’t look for a sign,
Can’t see the next step,
demons rage behind.

As I look in this mirror
want to tear it out the wall,
through this pain tonight,
to my bed I crawl,
the burning reminder,
healing isn’t here,
I’m trying to breathe,
can’t bear the tears.

It’s too much to carry,
so please don’t try,
and no more questions,
I don’t want to cry,
as you play in the night,
I just want to hide,
not sure what’s more repulsive,
my out or insides.

My feelings recoil,
find a smile for tomorrow,
no one wants to hear,
more bad news and sorrow,
so onward we march,
a good little solider,
emotions grow numb,
my heart getting colder.


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