Sleeping With Doubt 

Sometimes the next step,
is more frightening than not moving,
at least here I know where I stand,
and don’t risk more of the losing.

It grows dark around my thoughts,
heavy ideas fill my mind,
I reach out for reassurance,
but to real hope I’m blind.

Kind words of encouragement,
resounding like a gong,
yet all I can hear in my pounding head,
I must’ve done something wrong,
it feels like punishment,
sadism never ending,
yet I put on the smile,
and go on pretending,
except when I’m weak,
and my walls start to crack,
I hate these damn feelings,
just stick to the facts – 

Or stay the hell away,
there’s nothing you can do,
and I’m not even sure,
why I open up to you.
I just long to be free,
my body feels shattered,
forgotten gore,
I wish that I mattered.

My stomach is rumbling,
deep aching within,
continual wrath,
paying for sin,
or a pawn in His hand,
 can’t figure it out,
hold on to your hope,
I’m sleeping with doubt.  

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