Another Sunday

Before the first note,
I started to sweat,
it’s how fear in my body,
reminds of regret

I walked in a circle,
waving a palm,
I sang and smiled
with no part of me calm.

Just listened to prayers,
most words didn’t speak,
surrounded by people,
but alone in my seat,

With scripture we shouted,
as one from the story,
some people wept,
some thought it was gory,
but my insides wanted,
to cast Him in jail,
and smash down the thorns,
then drive in the nail.

“Blasphemy,” I’m sure,
they’ll tell me I’m wrong,
but hate and confusion,
have become my song.

A bomb in their temple,
shook the earth as they sang,
and again You stood by,
while Your people felt pain. 
What good is a God,
and why should we seek,
if He gives no protection,
to the worshipper, weak.

As He watches His movie,
His favorite He picks,
but woe to the rest of us,
He lays it on thick,
it says in the word,
every knee will then bow,
but He’s beaten so hard,
I can barely stand now. 

Then there’s a sermon,
don’t know what was said,
but I didn’t cry,
my emotions were dead.

I vaguely remember,
of God what do we expect?
It’s certainly not blessing,
but more like a wreck,
no safety I feel,
no healing I find,
‘sinners in the hands of an angry God’
I don’t experience Him as kind.

Time again to kneel,
my mind drifts away,
I’m questioning everything,
I’ve no words to say.

The hope in their chests,
the smile on each face,
reminds me how far,
I am from the grace.
But maybe it’s better,
to keep more distance,
then maybe my life,
won’t run hard to resistance.

Alone now again,
despair starts to rise,
so I race to my bedroom,
and cover my eyes,
It’s better to sleep,
than bring others to pain,
I expect not a cure,
but more of the same.

They say God is with us,
as we walk through the fire,
and I do not connect,
why I should admire
the One who tells me,
the reason we suffer,
so His glory is revealed,
and moreso when tougher.

My words are but drivel,
despair at its peak,
I’m dying inside,
so I might as well sleep.


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