If You Knew

You say you want to know me
and see all I bring,
I don’t have to perform,
or dance and sing,
but can be who I am
not just what I do,
but your words, I know,
are too good to be true.

Because if you could see
the demons I hide,
if you knew all the pain
that festers inside,
if you knew all I’d seen
on my steps off the path,
you too would fear vengeance
and run from His wrath.

The shame that I carry,
the images I hold
have hardened my heart,
I’m nothing but cold
when it comes to my journey,
a purpose forsaken,
innocence and freedom
were long ago taken,
by a man who baptized
with fire and a scolding,
and all these years later
the power still holding.

You think that I’m happy
when I’m dying inside,
I hate to avoid – 
I hate more to lie.

Walking in naked,
sweating in a pew
I struggle to breathe,
I wish it were new,
but panic still pours
even when fear is numb,
a wretched reminder,
the demons have won.

You say you’ll accept me,
I’ve no need to fear,
but the fear seems to grow,
the more who are near,
and my people I love,
they’re all quite great,
it’s really just me,
and God who I hate.

And I’d love to just tell you,
but the words disappear,
til I find them at night,
in a deluge of my tears,
so I reach for the pen,
to make sense of it all,
and I don’t have to show you,
or let down the wall.

I feel like a fraud, 
as my child I still teach,
the grace and peace,
that’s out of my reach.

You’d shudder at my thoughts,
no one’s stronger than me,
and even I am now breaking,
from the weight of this sea,
and I love your intention,
your motives are pure,
but this is a battle,
I have to endure.

I wish you could love me,
wish I could receive,
but that part of me died,
with the rest that I grieve.

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