Kneeling Again

It was time,
I knelt again,
pondering what to disclose,
of the weight of my sin.

I wanted to hurry,
he asked me to pause,
relax my shoulders,
unclench my jaws,
Slow deep breaths,
made me feel my heart,
that I tried to detach,
and wanted no part.

As feelings gave rise,
my eyes turned away,
too covered in shame,
too angry to pray. 

He listened with patience,
his voice didn’t judge,
When I refused to forgive,
and held on to my grudge.

I started to cry,
a crack in the wall,
but I cannot let go,
I won’t let it fall.

Just stick to the script,
tis easier, rote,
than to beg for reprieve,
and never feel hope.

I want to surrender,
but fear always wins,
so I turn to the covers,
and hide here again.

I showed up and submitted,
didn’t leave feeling great,
swirling in mind,
how long can I wait?
Words on a page,
that all seem like fluff,
my heart so hard,
my armor, tough.

Safer to give God the finger,
than kneel,
and connect with the worthlessness,
it aches when it’s real.

But the man in all black,
didn’t run, didn’t flinch,
and remained with me, open,
as my fists remained clenched.

I don’t know how to make,
the chains lose their grip,
hanging off the edge,
I’m starting to slip.

My heart so fragile,
locked with no key,
I want to feel grace,
I want to believe,
but as each day passes,
the begging is ceasing,
my heart disappearing,
my body deceasing.

I just want to sleep,
the truth is too painful,
my body is ruined,
my insides disdainful,
want to reach out my hand,
of your strength, take hold,
but I feel like a child,
for this I’m too old.

So what is the answer?
there really is none,
so I’ll pull up my blanket,
and hide from the sun,
and if I get up,
I’ll walk with facade,
she’s more reliant,
and safer than God,
and NO! I don’t like it! – 
this isn’t a game,
it feels like I’m drowning,
suffocating in pain.

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