Scattered

Decisions have been,
the calendar is marked,
some excited by a plan,
yet I’m consumed by only dark.

The pain is getting worse 
radiating to my limbs,
It’s spreading and it hurts,
hope of healing growing dim.

It aches within my soul,
and thoughts consume my mind,
I lie here and try to numb the pain,
but it’s not working this time. 

I turn to get comfortable,
cover up my eyes,
what good are all these tears,
when no one hears the cries.

I have to keep a heismann pose,
love at arms length,
If I let them care for me,
it’ll mean I’ve lost my strength.

Trying to push the limits,
my body isn’t lasting,
but there’s too much to be done,
and I’m masterful at masking.

I want someone to know the depth,
but the depth I fear to speak,
and if I look them in the eye,
they’ll see me as just weak.

Often too scared to sleep,
fearing nightmares that haunt,
but images in my waking eyes,
to me, like demons, taunt. 

I wonder if I’ll ever rest,
or breathe in the air of peace –
I’ve begged God now another day,
for a break, for some relief,
and it’s up to Him, if He wanted He could,
reach and take this pain away.
But again He chooses to stand by and watch,
no matter the words I pray.

I’ve messed up and failed at living,
along the path it seems to me,
I’ve no idea who I am anymore,
just not the girl I used to be. 

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