When I think of opening up my heart,
I shudder –
It’s taken decades to believe I had a key,
And lying here reality speaks, that I’m not the only one.
He still holds such power,
like a noose around my neck,
and sometimes I only wonder,
how much more I have to fall.
So when I open up my heart to you,
I can’t just show the good,
I risk you seeing the ugly,
or my pain misunderstood.
I crack it just a little,
and control what leaks your way,
Then slam the door, swallow the tears,
and smile another day.
Not sure what it’s like to feel,
a heart that’s warm and full,
but I’m trying to learn to trust,
to run and hide, I feel the pull.
When I open up my heart to you,
please hear I walk with terror,
I’m conscious of every word and move,
so afraid to make an error.
I don’t believe I’m perfect,
but it’s the expectation I seek,
and should I risk and show the tears,
I fear you’ll see me, weak.
And weak is such a dangerous place,
not being braced for war,
but these chains are slowly killing me,
I can’t do it anymore.
So if I show my heart to you,
protect it if you can,
or if you won’t, don’t even look,
I’ll be fine, I always am.