This Morning I Wept in a Pew

This morning I sat in a pew,
Just after the sun appeared,
And as my priest read from the book,
I couldn’t hold back my tears. 

Psalm 139, a hard one to speak 
the words resistant to form –
and knowing my anger, but sensing some peace,
Of which path to take I was torn. 

Those around me now kneeling,
taking pause to rest from their race –
With imperfection, and doubt, worry and fear,
but showing up to receive, again, grace.

His body, His blood, I never feel worthy
What’s been done to me feels like my name –
And though at times, I come guarded, with fists,
His arms remain open the same. 

Even from youth, this word they call ‘love’
Wasn’t safe and often brought horror –
But something is shifting, a loosening perhaps,
And fear is now melting to sorrow.

I want a quick fix, to hurry on past 
The ‘reorienting’ process uncertain – 
There’s no list to check, can’t perform my way through,
And it seems I’ve paused in the hurting…
Until everyone leaves and there’s no ‘proper order,’
My prayers, aloud, free to breathe –
Of God pursuing, I’m cautious, I’m scared, 
But I beg of Him never to leave!

I know how to fight, I know how to run,
and to brace for wrath on my journey –
What I haven’t yet learned, but am curious and seek,
 Is how I truly allow Him to love me. 

You’d never know beyond the smile 
I’ve mastered the hiding of pain –
But little by little as control I surrender 
I’m becoming less scared of the rain.

I cling to this moment, feeling his cradle 
He’s rocking, protecting my sleep –
What tomorrow may bring, there’s no guarantee,
But the truth of His love may I keep. 

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