During our second week studying the Psalms, we were challenged to compose our own. It was difficult to write, and harder to read for many reasons that will remain unnamed within this context.
A Psalm, questioning, fearing and longing for love.
1. The Lord loves those who fear Him and follow His commands,
2. Yet though I have feared You from my youth, I know not Your love.
3. Is it love to watch the helpless and innocent shamed? Is it love to allow your servant to baptize with seductive hands? Is it love to stand by as Your daughter is tortured and raped?
4. What love is it that allows one woman to struggle playing the role of both mother and father while a child questions his creation? I am weary.
5. What love is it that allows abusers and perpetrators to conceive yet robs from a womb bathed in love and protection? This is madness, cruelty, but not love.
6. How is it that an all powerful Heavenly Father with should withhold what any decent father would give without second thought? And you have the power to do so, yet choose not.
7. Is it love that young children are ripped away under waters too deep, or love that cripples those who sacrifice everything for Your service?
8. What love it is that allows despair and tragedy to continually sweep over those whom are already barely breathing?
9. If God is loving and compassionate toward His children, and what I see reflects that love, then I have not been welcomed as His child and terror sweeps over me when I think of an embrace.
10. “No, this is NOT love!” I scream as thorns rip my soul apart from the inside out, my flesh but a coffer for all that lies in ruin.
11. When the Lord woos me closer to His side, I brace for impact and wait for the next blow.
12. There are no answers to justify what I have seen, felt, tasted and heard in the day nor the images and fear that haunts me through the night.
13. My anger remains hidden no more, and futile are my attempts to reconcile through my own understanding.
14. How can you let the evil ones continue to have power over me and turn your eyes away when they succeed in my destruction? Why do you hate me and watch as an uninterested bystander to my grief?
15. Am I worth nothing to you? Am I but discarded clay You were unable to mold into anything of purpose? Have you forgotten me or left me on a shelf regretting that you created me?
16. You said you would never leave or forsake me. You promised to have a hope and a future for me and plans to prosper and not harm.
17. You committed that if I would seek, I would find You yet my eyes are weary and my flesh exhausted from the journey. My heart is holding on by a thread and I cannot hold it together on my own.
18. Yet perfect love drives out all fear, so I fall on my knees, begging for perfect love.
19. I come breathless, and powerless to turn the heart of God toward me or to capture his ear for even a moment, and though I don’t deserve to be held, I long to be cradled in your safety, to be rocked in your goodness and washed in your kindness.
20. Lord please do not pass me by, but grant Your provision and abundance. Give peace as I sit and wait, until I am able to stand, until I receive strength to walk, and by your grace, one day, run into your loving arms, completely surrendered to your good and perfect will. Lord, hear my prayer.
21. May I release every lie that has held captive my heart, plagued my mind and find at last the hope in which those whom your truth deliver to and pray over me, anointing my head with oil, as I kneel in your presence, reassure is waiting for me, your beloved daughter.