But You Say You Love Me

Sometimes I’m not sure what’s left of my heart
It’s been ravaged and torn and ripped all apart – 
And I’m not sure I know where all the pieces are – 
But you say you love me

My instinct to cringe, 
“Why? Please don’t!”
That word is dangerous 
And images haunt
And when you reach out sometimes I just run
But you say you love me

I greet with a smile, personality flare
Because as long as I’m “fine,” 
There’s no truth or dare
To trap and trick me to let you see
But you say you love me

My fear and his shame 
Like swimming in shit 
The world’s a white angel choir 
but I’m covered in it
And no shower or prayer has yet done the trick
But you say you love me

At times all I see are the parts that you don’t –
And if you did, surely, you’d leave me alone
So I dance with vagueness and emotions confine
But you say you love me

What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see all the wounds and the scars? – 
Don’t fuck with me, it’s been too hard to come this far!
I don’t want your promises or empty facade –
I’m dying inside, forsaken by God –
And at night all alone when it seems He’s away,
I cling to words I heard my priest say –
Because I don’t believe them, not yet for me –
Grace has his limits, but for you I can see –
As I walk with a tether to a perpetrator’s mission –
Forget happily ever after, simple joy seems fiction –
And I curse and medicate and try to escape –
The demons that constantly fill up my plate –
And tell me you’re not who you pretend to be –
But you say you love me

I want to believe you, I’m longing for more,
But love feels disgusting when from childhood a whore,
Is how you were molded and created in chains,
No amount of washing, no victory rain
You can’t see the lather, but it’s all that I feel,
It wasn’t my fault, but the images reel
And I show you more expecting to hit bottom –
But you say you love me

My heart is scared
I’m trying to trust
I help others navigate
What sometimes feels crushed
And I stumble over many basic words 
And kneel here sweating, an awkward nerd
But you say you love me

The pain gets so loud 
I think only peace comes in death
You don’t waiver
And hold space for that breath
And reach out a hand, and pause and smile 
And you say you love me

I’m not sure what you see 
Though there’s much I can do
You have no agenda 
And aren’t asking me to,
But show up and listen
And trust the next step
You hear and know
The hours I’ve wept –
Still you have hope
And I’ll borrow for now
Until it’s mine, though I don’t see how
And I can wander aimlessly all over the place 
You light up when you see me, with joy on your face 
Though I’ve nothing to offer, you don’t seem to mind
And you say you love me.

I can craft a million reasons
To push you away 
And remind you of the trauma 
And the pain of each day
I can beat myself up
With shame that’s not mine
Or be tempted to run and leave truth behind
And when all seems so dark
And I just can’t hold on 
You say you love me


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