I’m Not Scared

Lying here, vulnerable –
I should be scared, 
but I don’t flinch when you take my hand.

I close my eyes and weep.

You could destroy,
but instead you join me.
You don’t laugh, or take advantage of me in this weak place…
and you don’t turn away.  
Here​, you sit 
front row center to the pain and shame, 
and ache
I’ve become accustomed to masking. 

You feel the ache, you see the war.

I hear your sigh through my tears,
as my insides contract with groans emanating from beneath the earth. 

You can’t fix it, or erase it, 
and much of it you can’t explain. 
Yet you choose to sit with me,
You choose to hear me,
You choose to see me, all of me –
even the parts I can’t look upon
without covering my face in shame

It would be easier if you saw the filth,
the disgust that I see –
It would make sense if you looked away, hid your face, or covered your ears –
It would be more comfortable 
if I wasn’t worth your time…
but you show up.

You show up when I have nothing to give
No way to meet your needs,
or benefit your cause.
In this moment there isn’t anything I can do for you… but you’re still here.
I don’t recoil, 
feel the need to run
and my walls are down.

I’m vulnerable, unguarded.
I should be scared, 
but my heart breathes deep.

You’re loving, serving, 
protecting and blessing me
and though being held in this way,
this extension of God’s presence
is what I deeply long for, 
it’s also what I fear. 
But I’m not scared 

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