Fatherless 

Do you know what it’s like to lie all alone with tears pouring out your eyes?

Do you know how it feels to be abandoned by God so you look up and curse the sky?

I rock my baby in my arms, though a baby he no longer is named,
and try to explain though kids point and jeer, he has nothing to be ashamed.

For if any shame is to be tossed about, it is I who deserve every ounce,
At dinner with friends I should’ve never entertained and the rapist who saw me and pounced. 

An opportunist was he as he searched for the moment and distracted me with charm and a wink
Then made his way over and pulled me right in, slipping something into my drink. 

At times when I thought he would probably kill me and other times wishing he would,
Now I walk around daily with part of him here trying to see only good.

To look into the eyes of the one I love most and closing my eyes to escape
The images fly, the torture the pain, the pregnancy created by rape. 

His empty inside that no one can fill and it stabs and breaks me apart
This child loves so big and amazing is he but I cannot heal his heart. 

He rests his head on my chest, and questions why I weep and old answers don’t work any longer,
I’m falling apart and sick of hearing people say they’ve never seen anyone stronger.

Do you know what it’s like to ache so deep that it’s hard separating nightmare from day?

Do you know how it feels to hold yourself in the dark and never hear what you need God to say

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