I am not a planner, but I like to have a plan.
Some idea of where I’m going.
I love spontaneity, and being in the moment; taking risks.
I don’t like when the risk takes me.
Wondering what’s the next bad thing.
The monster under the bed
That thing around the corner.
But there’s one sure way to stop the monster: put enough stuff under the bed so nothing else will fit.
And that thing around the corner: just stay so busy that you leave no time for anything outside your schedule. Execute control like hell when that thing comes anyway.
Fix it. Break it. Win it. Do it.
Rest is for the weak, so we run ourselves ragged.
And ragged people crumble and hate what they’ve become.
And as they hate themselves, they become mind readers, knowing with certainty that all around them see an equally pathetic loser.
So you try harder.
The work is never done.
The goal is never met.
For in reaching the goal you discover a new height that must be attained.
“Good enough” is for the delusional.
“Good enough” equals failure.
So you achieve.
And when you achieve more you look in the mirror and realize that achievements fade, as does beauty.
You wake up alone and realize that though you’ve conquered the world with it’s many challenges, you have no one to share it with.
No one to love.
No one to make love to.
No one to hold you.
No one to listen.
No one to be there.
No one to plan with and no one to fly by the seat of your pants with.
And no matter the grade on the paper
Or what the bank account says
Or how many trophies and plaques line the shelves
No matter the boxes that are checked and the diplomas you have aced, curling up with a degree sure as hell doesn’t fill that void.
And sleeping beside your trophy would only lead to it breaking or you stabbing yourself with it in your sleep.
But inside you’re breaking anyway.
So you close your eyes and weep.
Weep for all you’ve lost,
and all you’ve won.
Weep for things you’ve finished and relationship you never started.
But alas there’s no one to hear your sobs, so you drift off to sleep, with a plan.
A plan to take matters into your own hands.
Two options: fight or jump.
And when all those around you slowly fade away, you have no one to mourn, and no one to lose, but never fear, you’ve won…
but you’ve won a game you didn’t even know you were playing.